Scared of Being Spiritual

I am scared to be seen as spiritual. I am scared that I will put people off. I am scared to be associated with those people who preach on street corners or who spend their lives converting the ‘lost’ in the darkest corners of the world. I am scared to put myself into the same box as anyone who is seen as ‘out there’. I don’t want to rock the boat.

But, I am also scared of not rocking the boat. I worry that between birth and death all I will take from the earth is Oxygen and all I will leave is Methane. I cannot imagine going from embryo to cadaver feeling that life is meaningless. I believe all these things show that God is pulling on my heart strings.

I have felt challenged to put these words down for a long time. But where? Who would read them? Who would care? I have had squidzillions of questions buzzing around my head for years and I have tried and and tried to find the answers with no real success.


Sometimes, the frustrating thing about God is his unending patience and ability to sit me out. He has been waiting. For me. Waiting for me to come looking. Waiting for me to stop dilly-dallying around and start looking in the right places for the answers to all my questions.  

Well, I am done with the dilly-dallying. I am done with the millions of questions that ricochet around my head unanswered. I am done with trying to find the answers on my own.  I. Am. Done.

So, why blog about it? I can’t actually answer that. All I know is that the thought of NOT blogging about these things seems somehow wrong. So, I will blog. I will blog my journey, and I have learnt that sometimes the easiest way to learn something is to read or learn from the tales of someone who has gone before me. Who knows, maybe someone out there will read these meagre words from a searching soul and begin their own quest.  Really, who knows?  Not me.

Last year I was re-united with someone I went to youth group with years ago.  She was (and still is in fact) a blogger, I was instantly jealous. I love writing and believe I have a gift in writing, but how dare someone else write a blog when I haven’t?!  I feel the same about Karaoke, I love singing, but it is such a personal passiony thing that there is no way I can do this as a sport or entertainment. 


So, I thought about it and realised that there was nothing stopping me from blogging myself.  In fact, I spoke about this with a dear friend who has proven very crafty (I do love calling her that, but she is handy with all sorts of craft as opposed to someone who steals money from pensioners - she would never do that) and she started looking into and soon began a blog herself - stealing my idea - so maybe she is crafty...  Anywho...  I felt strange about that. What was stopping me? Nothing. So again, I dillied and I dallied and I wrote a few posts and signed onto Blogger, but was too scarred to publish anything. After a while the heckling from God, myself and my crafty friend got too much and I published some posts and told some people about it. I got a good response. It felt good. 

But, I had restricted myself in what I was going to write about. The topic I chose to explore in my other blog is ‘coolness’ and its elusiveness. It has been a lot of fun and I have learnt a lot of things.  There were some topics I did not want to write about, like children (I feel I am not a very good mother, so why would I hang that out for all to view), craft (any shirt needing buttons gets donated to charity), or householdy things (really, how cool is that?). So I am quite restricted in the topics for that blog, but I will persist, because any writing is good practice.

Then in a time of reflection, that little voice (that is actually enormous, but can be blocked out - you know the one) reminded me about writing my journey to discovering God. Then in a flurry, it all made sense. The first blog was to get me used to being ‘out there’ in cybersphere and to be writing for an audience. This new blog - this is about writing a chronicle of my walk to be closer to God. The ever patient God had waited and taught me stuff as I dilly-dallied around, stumbling for a place in this world - silly me didn’t realise that I was in just the right place at just the right time.

So join me, a scared little thing as I try to be ‘out there’ - out there. This may be a raw ride for me.